Boris Johnson is struggling to ease the UK lockdown, with 18-year-olds soon allowed to go to pubs but not school. The government has also said that one-adult households can form ‘support bubbles’ with another household. Which lone adult should you invite?
Dominic Cummings: This is the chance for the Svengali of British politics to visit your home, if he hasn’t already. The architect of the Brexit campaign hovers in the kitchen, explaining that he will probably soon become too ill to do any cooking. He repeatedly suggests he is on the point of leaving, once he has alphabetised your bookshelf. But he’s always there the next morning and the books are always in the same order. “If you don’t like how I run things”, he yells, “you can always leave.”
Matt Hancock: You barely recognise the health secretary when he arrives in his school uniform. After falling behind with the washing up, he promises 10,000 clean plates by Friday — a task he fulfils by buying new ones on eBay. The plates never arrive. Buoyed by this triumph, he demands to track your movements but is stumped when you simply say: “No.”
Robert Jenrick: The housing secretary is a dream guest. Remember that loft extension for which the council refused permission? Over dinner, you tell Mr Jenrick the saga, insisting that the loft will provide plenty of affordable housing for your children’s au pair. You also mention that you are a Tory donor. Mr Jenrick insists this is of no relevance, as he approves your application.
Rory Stewart: The former Tory leadership contender is Britain’s Cassandra, having called for an early lockdown. Over breakfast, he predicts that you will miss several work deadlines, give up online yoga, fall behind on homeschooling and get your vitamins by mixing a can of pineapple chunks with a can of baked beans. These predictions are so clearly correct that you ask him to leave immediately.
J K Rowling: The Harry Potter author sits quietly on her laptop, leaving you to wonder which delightful novel she is composing. Then a Molotov cocktail flies in the window, and you realise that she has been on Twitter. You nonetheless decide her visit was worth it.
Priti Patel: The home secretary explains how keen she is for you to
join her bubble and how much she admires your work. You excitedly agree and receive a large bundle of forms addressed to “low-skilled worker”. You return them promptly but receive no reply.
Donald Trump: The US president turns up uninvited. You ask if he is single and he replies that you are too old. On your daily walk, you are surprised to see golden letters spelling TRUMP have been put on the facade, only to be covered with a bailiff’s note saying that the whole building will be repossessed.
Dido Harding: The head of the UK’s test and trace scheme fails to arrive for three weeks. “This bubble will have world-class technology,” she assures you, boasting that she has googled your address.
Mark Zuckerberg: The Facebook founder is immensely helpful with your WiFi. But by week two, his dirty dishes are attracting flies and his T-shirt is starting to smell. “I will change,” he promises, returning in the same clothes.
Prince Andrew: “What a convenient place to stay,” says the Duke of York, after flying halfway round the world to reach you. You apologise, saying that you have recently been convicted of sex crimes and that he must rather regret coming. Not at all, he replies.
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