The infighting in Downing Street that led to the departure of Boris Johnson’s most powerful adviser, Dominic Cummings, has reminded everyone of the feuding at a royal court, except played out in media briefings, private chat groups and intrigue against the PM’s fiancée, Carrie Symonds, who was derided as “Princess Nut Nuts”. So it is timely that the FT has secured exclusive access to the secret chat-app messages of Henry VIII’s courtiers, including Thomas “Classic Thom” Cromwell and his colleagues from “Voteth Leave”, which led the break with Rome.

Have you seen what Princess Nut Nuts is up to now?

Can we really not think of a better name for her? We are supposed to be political geniuses . . .

Aye, it’s ribald mockery. But the focus-group testing showeth this resonate mightily with northern yeomanry :))

You set up a focus group on her?

Of course, you dolt. It was run by Fitzroy Strategies, the team who came up with the “Take Back Our Money” slogan on the dissolution of the monasteries.

So what is Princess Nutty doing?

Princess Nut Nuts, get it right. She is intriguing against us. She wants the Howards in all the major roles. She’s texting Henry all the time, reminding him I commissioned the Holbein picture of Anne of Cleves and saying we need more environmental policies.

Holbein did overdo it a bit.

He’s paid to overdo it a bit. If I’d wanted realism, I’d have gone for Francis bloody Bacon.

I don’t think Francis Bacon has been born yet, Thom.

But I blogged about empiricism two years ago. This is what’s wrong with government. Anyway, we needed a new wife to keep the Howards out.

Couldn’t you find a comely lady?

I’ve tried. Lady Huntingdon is most blonde and well-connected in the tech sector. But then Popbitch found out and now he’s shacked up with that Howard woman instead. It’s a nightmare. I’m supposed to be his brain, not his pimp.

Might we not make common cause with Catherine Howard?

It won’t work. Have just heard she wants Jane Rochford as director of communications. She’s never liked me.

Probably because you had her husband tortured and killed. LOL.

Really. People are so petty. Don’t they realise there’s a plague? I am working on operation moonshot. We’ll have 500,000 vinegar and arsenic cures by February.

But remember what that Boleyn woman did to Wolsey. It will be the same again.

I warned Wolsey. It was all in my blog.

Only because you edited it later. ROFL.

How can you tell?

Because we write with quill pens, dolt, you just crossed out the bit you wrote before.

I was simply retrofitting my forecast. You really need to read Supersoothsaying. It’s the definitive work on prophesying. This is what’s wrong with this country. Our Whitehall prognosticators cannot see outside their elite Palace of Richmond bubble.

You fixed the Boleyn woman. You confiscated her head and had her marched out of the building by an armed swordsman.

I got Nexit done :)))) (Axe emoji.)

(Crying with laughter emoji.) Anyway what are we going to do about Princess Nutjob?

Princess Nut Nuts, we have to stick to the branding.

OK. But we have to move fast.

Don’t worry, we are going to find him another woman. And once we have, those Howards are for the chop. They’ve walked right into my trap. Now, Lord Lee, how do you look in a corset?

Classic Thom.

Editor’s note: Cromwell and his aides left the court that week. One insisted it was an entirely amicable parting and tweeted that in an act of clemency the king had commuted their sentence from hanged, drawn and quartered to a basic beheading. It was very much as Cromwell had predicted in his blog.

Follow Robert on Twitter @robertshrimsley and email him at robert.shrimsley@ft.com

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